When low self-esteem gets in the way of sporting activity

How is low self-esteem expressed in sport?

Self-esteem is the positive or negative evaluation we make of our own worth. When our self-talk is based on the fact that we’re not good enough, it means that our self-assessment is negative and that our self-esteem is low.

In sport, low self-esteem can be expressed by not daring to take part in a sport because you’re “too bad”, by shying away from group sports for fear of dragging the group down, by avoiding competitions at all costs because they remind us of our inability to perform, or by constantly apologizing for not being able to do as well as others.

Why is this a problem? Low self-esteem is a source of considerable discomfort. On the one hand, we prevent ourselves from doing things we want to do because we’re “not good enough”. On the other hand, the more we prevent ourselves from doing things, the more likely we are to fail at what we do because we have too few opportunities to practice. And the more our self-esteem suffers. Low self-esteem is also often associated with anxiety and depression.

What am I trying to prove and to whom?

In psychology, self-esteem can be worked on in a number of ways. In particular, it can be useful to work on perfectionism or performance pressure when self-esteem is largely linked to a question of performance.

In this article, we’ll look at a crucial question to ask yourself, in order to find out how to improve your self-esteem. First of all, think of a situation in which you told yourself you weren’t good enough, and therefore it wasn’t worth your while.

Then ask yourself: what do I want to prove, and to whom? There are two possible answers to this question: either I want to prove something to myself, or I want to prove – more or less consciously – something to others. For example, either I want to prove to myself that I’m capable of running a half-marathon because I’ve always dreamed of doing so, or I want to prove to others that I’m capable of doing things they don’t think I’m capable of.

When we (unconsciously) want to prove something to others

When we do things in order to receive validation, recognition or admiration from others, this means that our self-esteem is largely determined by external factors, i.e. other people’s judgment of our own worth. The probability of having low self-esteem is therefore high, as we have no control over the evaluation made by others.

Of course, if you excel at what you do, or if you’re a star on social networks, you’re bound to receive all the validation, recognition and admiration you need to maintain strong, positive self-esteem. But for how long? And at what price? It’s all very stressful and it won’t last forever!

When self-esteem is determined by external factors such as the judgment of others, it’s a source of stress, anxiety and possibly depression when it all comes crashing down. What’s more, when our self-worth is determined by other people’s assessments, we organize our lives around this quest for recognition, to the point where we sometimes no longer really know what we want, or what’s important to us. And all this feeds the vicious circle of declining self-esteem.

What to do? When you realize that you’re more interested in proving something to others than to yourself, it’s time to reframe. Okay, I want to prove something to others, but what do I want to prove to myself? Answering this question will give you the self-confidence you need to act in accordance with your values. And that in turn will help improve your self-esteem.

When you want to prove something to yourself

When we do things motivated by personal goals, it means that our self-esteem is largely determined by internal factors, i.e. our personal assessment of our own worth. And that’s within our control. It’s also associated with the likelihood of having higher self-esteem.

This doesn’t mean that we never feel stress or negative emotions. It’s normal to feel stressed during competitions, or to doubt yourself from time to time when others have a better level. But these emotions are manageable because they don’t threaten our value as a person. It’s much healthier for our mental health to have our self-esteem based on internal criteria.

When you achieve your own goals, you can take pride in having done it for yourself. If you don’t achieve your goals, it’s an opportunity to practice various skills, such as self-compassion, revising your goals or action plan, or accepting the situation as it is. This growth mindset is associated with improved self-esteem.

Finally, when you’re not trying to prove anything to others, it means you’re free to make decisions in line with your values and who you are. And all this feeds the virtuous circle of positive self-esteem.

A personal story

I practice yoga in a studio that is known for offering classes at a fairly advanced level. Like many yoga studios, this one is mainly frequented by women. One day, Kevin comes into the yoga studio. He’s a slightly overweight man in his thirties, not athletic, not flexible, and has never practiced yoga.

The icing on the cake is that he’s a foreigner, has a poor grasp of the local language and doesn’t quite understand the instructions. The yoga class goes ahead and poor Kevin is in big trouble. He was laughing out loud when the teacher held him upside down by his feet during his first (and certainly memorable) headstand. I felt a great deal of compassion for him and said to myself: “ poor guy, he’s in a real fix… I think he must be really uncomfortable and won’t be coming back “. Six months later…. Kevin is still at his weekly yoga classes!

Classes are always difficult for him, but he’s there. In spite of himself, Kevin taught me a lesson about self-esteem. This man had decided that he wanted to do yoga, in order to preserve his health. He wasn’t there to do Instagrammable poses or impress anyone. His goal was clear from the start: to practice yoga to stay in shape. And he chose this studio because it was right next door to his home.

Sure, the classes are tough but he doesn’t care, he does what he can and it’s all part of his goal to stay in shape. KEVIN HAS NOTHING TO PROVE TO ANYONE BUT HIMSELF. He’s free from the gaze of others. This reflects Kevin’s strong values: openness to discomfort (both physical and psychological), great humility, courage, perseverance, a willingness to learn while respecting his personal limits, and so on.

He also demonstrates the great quality of self-mockery. If Kevin’s self-esteem were essentially based on the evaluation of others, he would probably have said to himself ” ohlala, I can’t do it, it’s too hard, I suck, I’m not coming back “. But since Kevin’s self-esteem seems to be based above all on his own personal goals and values, he’s always there. Inspires respect and admiration, doesn’t it?

To conclude

The next time you say to yourself ” oh no, I don’t want to do that, I’m too bad “, ask yourself what you want to prove and to whom? If you realize that, above all, you want to prove something to others, this is a great opportunity to reframe the situation by asking yourself: what do I want to prove to myself? This is the best way to live in line with your values and goals, and to build your self-esteem. But Kevin would probably tell you all that better than I can.