Carnets de Claire #1 Running a marathon… Why shouldn’t I?

The 1st day of the rest of my life

My daddy? My dad, a radiologist, discovered my difference at the 3-month ultrasound scan. He decided, with incredible strength, to make it his secret so as not to upset my mother. I can only imagine his relief on the day I was born to be able to share it at last. My sister and brothers were thrilled to discover that their little sister was different.

My mom, on the front line, will suffer from this difference, will suffer from the questions and looks of others on her baby. I understood this suffering on the 1st day of the rest of my life. October 26, 1993, my 7th birthday. It’s surely no coincidence that we’re talking about the age of reason. That day, I went to see Mom and asked her, quite naturally:

• Me: ” Mom, when is my arm going to grow? ”
• Mom: ” My darling, your arm won’t grow “.
• Me: ” But you mean I’ll be like this all my life? ”
• Mom: ” Yes darling, you were born like that, it can’t be explained, we don’t know where it comes from. ”

From that day on, I realized that my life would be different. I understand with anxiety that I’m going to have to fight. I don’t accept this reality, I’m consumed by a feeling of injustice. For a long time, I’m haunted by the question ” Why me? Why me and not my sister or one of my brothers? Why me and no one else at school? Why me? This question lingers in my head for years without me ever finding the answer.

Juggling rage and fear of falling

I’m growing up and realizing that there’s no answer to this question. I understand that life locks me into this box of difference that I don’t accept.

• I don’t accept being called Captain Hook at school,
• I don’t accept people looking at me,
• I don’t accept the prosthesis,
• I don’t accept this humiliation,
• I don’t accept being bare-armed,
• I don’t want to look at my body,
• I don’t accept anything about this difference, and I accept even less that it leaves me a prisoner of all these evils.

I decided very early on to fight against this difference that pursued me every day without exception. I decided to confront it with a hint of provocation.

• Isn’t it ideal to ride a horse with one less forearm? Well, I’m going to do it.
• Isn’t it ideal to serve in a restaurant with one less forearm? Well, I’m going to do it.
• Isn’t it ideal to apply to a hotel school? Well, I’m going to!

I juggle my life between the rage of getting there and the fear of falling. I go forward every day, drawing on the energy I need to keep going, but sometimes I fall, I let go. I don’t accept these moments of weakness.

35 years later, I’m married to an extraordinary man and have 3 beautiful daughters. I’m overwhelmed with happiness, but still gnawed at inside by this suffering that won’t heal.

Despite the unfailing presence of my parents, my sister, my brothers and all the rest of my family, despite this support, I realize that at 35, I’ve come a long way but haven’t crossed the finish line. I’ve come 98% of the way, but I’m still missing the 2% that makes me suffer. The 2% I don’t take responsibility for. How can I find that 2%?

Rediscovering running

One spring day in 2021, I decided by chance to get back into running after 8 years off. It’s a hot day, so I push myself to run bare-armed. I come back from this outing feeling proud. Proud to have succeeded in running bare-armed. Beyond the victory of the day, I realize that, for a moment, running made me forget my difference.

Running took me to the land of indifference. What an incredible feeling. Two days later, I was running bare-armed again, too eager to relive that feeling of freedom and lightness. It’s magic!

The more the weeks go by, the more I run and the more I understand that running becomes a lever to get that missing 2%.

And why not me?

A month later, I came across a runner wearing the “Finisher Marathon de Paris” T-shirt. Immediately, I say to myself, ” Why not me? Why not cross that finish line at the end of which those 2% are surely waiting for me?

Here I am, registered for my 1st marathon, Paris on Sunday April 3, 2022! 42.195 Km is an event that can’t be improvised. Who better to accompany me on this adventure than my super brother-in-law Laurent, aka the Kenyan Blanc (2:43 in the Valence marathon)?

I then decided to share my need to get that 2% with Laurent and officially asked him to become my coach. Laurent happily agreed to support me in this new sporting challenge. From June 12 2021, I’ll be racing against my own suffering.

Training for my 1st marathon

Refresher courses and cross-training

My weeks are punctuated by 3 to 4 training sessions, between split training and classic outings. Without exception, every workout is driven by my desire to get out there bigger and stronger. The hardest moments? The split sessions!

• 15 x 400 meters at full speed
• 20 x 400 meters at full speed
• 3 x 2000 metres at full speed
• 7000 metres at 4’50, … and so on!

When I read each of these sessions, I was always a little frightened. This is going to be tough! My ritual was a fairly zen warm-up by the time I got to the track.

Once on the track, I always felt a strong emotion. A feeling of wanting to fight even harder. I approached these training sessions as I would a stranger who discovered I was different, seeking the energy I needed to face them with a smile.

Laurent once said to me, you should feel drained after a split session, you should feel like collapsing. You might think it’s strange to want to reach such physical states, but I listen to my coach and push myself beyond my limits. I reach this state of emptiness and collapse. I collapse sitting on the athletics track and cry. Everything blends together, the pain of not accepting my body and the happiness of surpassing myself.

Training also rhymes with more classic outings, 10km, 12km, 15km… these outings very quickly become part of my life as sources of happiness and escape.

The preparation is then punctuated by moments of struggle against myself and incredibly good and happy moments of escape, moments that carry me upwards, unique moments during which I feel free of all suffering, free of all embarrassment, free of everything.

• Running gives me an extraordinary psychological balance,
• Running pushes me to challenge myself every week,
• Running soothes me.

M-2 of the marathon

After 8 months of refresher training, here I am, M-2 from the big day. Laurent prepares a program that includes 5 training sessions a week between split training, classic outings and longSunday outingsranging from 18km to 26km.

The quest for my 2% is approaching. That’s when I feel my determination. Twice a week, I get up at 5.45 a.m. and, still asleep, slip on my leggings, sneakers and k-way and take my first running steps of the day. I run to get that unique feeling of psychological well-being that running gives me. The first two kilometers are always hard, but soon my eyes open, my mind connects with my legs and I’m off for a 1-hour workout in the calm, gentle night of the morning.

I smile at becoming “Local Legend” of the almost straight line between Porte de Saint-Cloud and the Arc de Triomphe. I smile at the fact that my morning sessions often end with an infernal sprint that gives me a burst of positive energy.

At M-1, these are my first long 26km outings. At first, these outings scare me. It’s Monday and I’m already mentalizing my 1st long run on Sunday. Mentalizing the race helps me to tame the effort this session will require.

Running is demanding. I’ve been doing it since I was a little girl, so it doesn’t scare me. I know how to tackle it seriously and rigorously.

My first long run was a mix of absolute escape and the struggle to get to the end. On the second long run, I feel more serene, I’ve already done it, I’m going to treat myself to 26km of pleasure. 2:25 later, my legs are heavy but this outing was pure bliss, I feel so good.

15 days to go before the marathon

Weeks go by and I’m 15 days away from my 1st marathon. I’m 15 days away from my quest to reach my 2%. I’m counting the days, the stress, the fear, the excitement… it’s all there! I stay focused, I keep mentalising this day I’ve been waiting for for almost 1 year. I feel a strength and will that pulls me upwards.

Pre-race

D-2, I share with Mum the recovery of my race number. 9 months earlier, Mum was a little distraught by the adventure I was about to embark on. A natural fear that Mom has always had for me. In the end, Mum quickly understood the benefits of running and listened to how I felt. There’s a certain emotion I feel at this moment. Picking up your race number is the 1st gift after so much effort.

D-1, my great husband keeps me away from logistics and I gradually shut myself away in my bubble. I connect my mind to the day I’ve been dreaming of for months. My super coach is delighted to come from Warsaw to support me. We’ve shared so many sporting moments from a distance that my 1st marathon wouldn’t have had the same meaning without him. Laurent gives me the final instructions, which I’m going to follow with the same rigour as all my months of training.

D-Day – Paris Marathon

D0, I get up and follow the coach’s instructions to the letter. I’m in my own world, I sit in stunned silence, I leave to catch the metro, I can’t stop looking at my sneakers, I think about all my training sessions, I think about this battle against myself and this difference that has followed me for over 30 years. I think of Grandma, with whom I used to talk a lot about this subject, I think of my parents, my sister, my brothers, my husband who loves me as I am. I think of my daughters for whom I will always fight.

It’s 7:45 a.m., I’m on the Champs Elysées, the sun is rising, and there’s already an atmosphere just like the start of a race. A unique atmosphere that immediately gives you a feeling of absolute happiness. I jog up the Champs and tears start to well up, tears of emotion and relief. Relieved to be at the start. That’s it, I’m there!

I’m in my airlock ready to run 42.195 km. 8:40am, my first strides. I’m focused, everything’s going well.

5km, 10km, 15km, 21km, I pass my 1st half quietly, but the famous 30km barrier starts to creep into my mind… 25km, 26km, 27km, 28km, I feel I could slow down at any moment. So I keep an eye on my pace and wait impatiently to see Laurent, who should meet me at 29th.

That’s it, I see him, I’m relieved and continue with him. A little code between him and me, I gave him a mark out of 10, reflecting my state at the time. I’m at 7/10, neither at the bottom nor at the top. Inwardly, I’m afraid of the last 12 kilometers, but I don’t leave any room for anything other than getting to the end.

A few minutes later, I hear a familiar shout: my darling is there too! I’m so happy, I keep running, carried by my coach and husband. I can feel I’m getting tired, but they’re carrying me.

It all starts at the 30th? It’s no legend that the battle begins at the 30th kilometer. I stay focused and strangely feel a certain satisfaction in this pain of the last part of the race.

With running, I’ve come to understand thatin every moment of pain there’s an extraordinary feeling of fulfillment. That’s what I’m looking for in this sport. I pass km 35, 38, 40… I’ve still got 2km and 195 metres to go! My legs are stiff, my toes don’t respond much anymore, but my mind is there, well connected to this end of the race that I’m going to reach with the support of my coach and husband.

My mind is here. My mind carries me, I approach the Porte Dauphine. Laurent and my darling come out. This is it, the final stretch towards a long-awaited deliverance. As best I can, I lengthen my stride and let myself be carried towards the finish.

4:02 later, I finish my 1st marathon.

Finisher… I did it!

I feel drained and like collapsing. I think back to the coach’s first words and tell myself that everything’s fine. I sit down for a moment and realize that I’ve done it. I’ve done it!

I feel good and proud of myself. In the space of 4h02, I ran, gradually forgetting my difference, forgetting the gaze of others, a gaze I can’t stand.

I put on my beautiful medal with immense joy. The joy of having succeeded in finding refuge, comfort and balance through this fabulous race.

I’d like to thank my super coach and my super husband for their support, as well as my whole family for their constant presence and encouragement. Running has become an essential part of my life , helping me to surpass myself and continue my journey towards total body acceptance.

See you in Paris next year for an exciting 2nd marathon!

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