Carnets de Claire #4 – An outstanding 2nd ecotrail

4 years ago, I was seized by an enormous suffering that haunted me every day, an intimate suffering so profound that I wondered why it happened to me with such violence. This suffering rhymes with disgust at my severed body, an inability to look at it without rage and anger, an irrational disgust at touching it.

I understand that I’m psychologically exhausted by this difference that has followed me relentlessly since childhood, this difference that I try to accept with a hint of hypocrisy by surpassing myself to be like the others, but my spirit suffers in silence until the day when it’s too much… I’m going to have to channel my ills by going in search of positive emotions. I’ve always heard my father say that he was full of endorphins after each of his running outings. That’s exactly what I need! Endorphins!

4 years ago, I decided to put back on an old pair of sneakers that had been lying dormant in my closet for 8 years. It was a far cry from the latest Nike model, but it did the job! Here we go, one outing, then two, then three… It was an extraordinary revelation! A feeling of absolute freedom where pain, rage and anger were absorbed by the magical effect of endorphins. Running immediately became an integral part of my daily routine, an essential part of my life. Running became one of the key pillars in my path towards acceptance of my difference.

At the start of a 2nd ecotrail

After 4 marathons between city and mountain and an 80 km, after some intense sporting emotions, here I am at the start of my second 80 km, the Paris eco trail. For the first time in 4 years, I’m setting off with the feeling of being an accomplished athlete.

After 4 years of tears every week, after 4 years of doubts about my ability to accept this difference, after 4 years of almost constant anxiety in the face of stares and questions, after 4 years of fighting my demons, after 4 years of giving up nothing in running, convinced that this sport is my ultimate pass to freedom of spirit, I’m at the start of this second 80 km, serene with a tear of happiness before I set off. A tear of joy and accomplishment. I’m already full of endorphins at the start! I set off soothed by the idea of having 10 to 11 hours ahead of me, where nothing can touch me. I know this distance and it doesn’t scare me.

I often say that running has become my number 1 therapy. What is the aim of therapy? I quote : “The aim of therapy is to make the person undergoing treatment aware of his or her strengths and difficulties through self-exploration”. Awareness… Awareness of one’s strengths and weaknesses. My greatest difficulty was not to become aware of them, but to accept them.

Running is a demanding sport that makes you aware of your strengths and weaknesses. If you’ve got a bad cardio system, you’ll become aware of it during an intense session. If you’ve got poor endurance, you’ll realize it in a long run. Running doesn’t do you any favours, so it’s up to you to seize the opportunity to experience the fabulous sensations it has to offer, and to take care of them. Running… it’s a boulevard to self-exploration, an essential pillar of therapy.

For the past 4 years, I’ve been on a quest to come to terms with the suffering that haunts me at night, turning my dreams into nightmares. All too often, I wake up with my head clenched, having experienced crying spells in my sleep. It’s confusing! Fortunately, I put on my sneakers 5 mornings out of 7 to free myself.

Running without rage or anger

This morning, it’s March 22, 2025 and I’m at the starting line, ready to give myself the break I need. I set off and savor each kilometer with a smile on my face. I let myself be lulled by my stride, a controlled stride that plunges me into a state of hypnosis. I find myself closing my eyes, leaving my body and mind in a state of disconcerting lightness. I let myself be transported by this extraordinary sensation. It’s a sensation I’m sharing in these few lines, to give everyone a taste of it. I’m already at the 40th kilometer and haven’t seen a thing go by.

My mind is on the verge of euphoria, and everything else follows smoothly. Since the start, I’ve been concentrating on my race management. Like a metronome, I maintain a steady pace and leave no room for doubt.

• The most striking aspect of these 10h33 efforts was not the 60km mark, nor the 70km mark,
• The most striking thing was not the violent thunderstorm and intense rain that soaked me for 1h30,
• The mud baths weren’t the most memorable part,
• The most striking thing was that for the first time in 4 years, I ran without rage or anger.

For the first time in 4 years, I cry with positive emotions at the 50th km refreshment station, welcomed by my husband, my sister, her son & my sister-in-law. I cry, happy to share my journey with them.

From therapy athlete to accomplished sportswoman

For the first time in 4 years, my mind is focused solely on sport. With each passing hour, I thank life for giving me such moments. I raise my eyes to the sky and whisper a few words to my grandmother, who looks at me without respite. She, too, regularly tells me not to let go. I miss her, so when I run, it’s our rendezvous. And that’s the magic of running: it’s a powerful form of spirituality that everyone needs to move forward.

For the first time in 4 years, I’m running, proud of my little arm, proud to have a photographer look at it. I run, proud to represent diversity in this society where everything must be smooth and without erasures. I run, proud to carry the message that every difference, whatever it may be, deserves to be treated with gentleness, tolerance and respect. I run proudly to believe that every suffering deserves resurrection and happiness. Running offers that!

Through this 80km run, I realize why I put on that old pair of sneakers, why I get up at 5.30am five days a week to run to quench my thirst, why I never give up. I realize that all these reasons allow me today, on the eve of my 40th birthday, to have gone from sportswoman in therapy to accomplished sportswoman.

These reasons have enabled me to gradually transform my little arm from a foreign body that I want to tear off every day to a life companion.

I owe this psychological journey largely to the magic of this sport. I still have a little work to do to reach my ultimate goal, like a marathon runner going for a sub-3-hour or an ultra-trailer setting out on the Diagonale des fous!

This eco trail marks the beginning of a new chapter in my life, one in which I’ll be proud to represent difference, proud to show off my cut body, proud to represent diversity, proud to continue growing the spirit of inclusion.

A new chapter in which I’ll be committed to accompanying every suffering person towards the freedom of spirit and unconditional deliverance that running offers!